My husband was recently diagnosed with undifferentiated spondyloarthropathy, and he's had a significant challenge as we navigate the changes that he's facing and the limitations that he's encountering. I feel like I'm doing a good job of being a support to him--listening, supporting, offering unconditional love.

Where I'm struggling is with me. I'm slipping into depressive patterns (want to sleep alot, binge eating, self-critical thinking) that are destructive and keep me from being my best self.

I'm also guilt-tripping myself about not preparing the "perfect" diet for him and for myself. I'm a vegan (have been for 3 years), but I started a new job 9 months ago and have struggled with the balance in terms of preparing my own food. Often, I get takeaway or pre-made juices, &c. Lately I've been overeating and resisting buying any food that I need to make. I know how critical it is that someone with spondy eat well, and I want to be a help to him and a good example. I feel as if I'm failing in those goals--and I'm pretty sure my aim for perfection is unreasonable

Sorry to vent. I just feel as if I'm going to burst into tears at my desk right now, so I thought it would be better to share on the board.

Thanks!

Please don't beat yourself up over the food. People with spondy don't need a special diet.

Also, now that he has been diagnosed, he will presumably get treatment and hopefully his symptoms will gradually improve. I have undifferentiated spondylitis. I was almost housebound for a while before diagnosis. After diagnosis, it took about 6 months to hit on the right treatment and now I live pretty much a normal life.

You can't be everything to everyone ... diet is no more critical for spondies than for everybody else, and your spouse is a grown-up who doubtless can take charge of such things for himself

Maybe it would help if you confessed your fears/self-doubt to your mate and then had a good cry ... to just let it all out. I'm sure he will reassure you that perfection is unnecessary! And remember, you have to take care of yourself before you can help take care of someone else.

Thank you so much for the replies! I definitely am feeling more encouraged about this, and I will say that he's got a great rheumy. So, I'm hopeful that he'll be able to feel much better.

Right now, he's on the methotrexate and she's experimenting with the right kind of anti-inflammatory. Diklofenak tore his stomach up, so we're trying other things. Insurance doesn't allow him to go straight to the injectables, but we are seeing some improvement with the drugs he's on.

Boy, did I need to hear that I need to take care of myself first.

And I had a great talk with the hubs about my depression, falling into addictive patterns with food, &c. He was so supportive.

Gratitude is the word of the day here. Many thanks again!

Often when someone first gets diagnosed with serious illness they get down, but after a while they start to feel emotionally better as get used to limitations.

Being connected to someone often means suffering with them. If your feelings/mood persist seek help. It is quite common as pointed out earlier to have this type of thing happen. Support will become over time a baseline in your and your husbands self care.