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Sick partner when you have AS #280060
03/15/18 11:25 AM
03/15/18 11:25 AM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 1
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LaurenS Offline OP
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LaurenS  Offline OP
First time visitor
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Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 1
Hi,

I have been having a really bad flare up in my lower and upperspine (as well as the rest of my body but this is where the majority of the pain is!) for the last few weeks. This, along with lack of sleep and having issues with friends and my job have been really damaging to my mental health.

I'm incredibly lucky to have an amazing fiancé that's super supportive both physically and emotionally. However for the past week he's had 'man flu' and is driving me insane.

I try really hard to make sure I support him the way he does me, but its getting very hard. I spent most of Saturday trying to look after him because I dont want to diminish how he feel because of my AS. At the end of the day he said he was feeling much better, however he still has a cough and has been talking constantly about how ill he feels (but hasnt taken a day off work) and i'm getting more and more frustrated every time he says anything about it.

This morning I woke up in so much pain I could barely move and had to use all my strength just trying not to have a break down! He started coughing and made a comment about how hard it is for both of us to get out of bed in the morning. I know he doesn't mean it like that, but it felt like he was trying to compare his cough to my AS and I was so angry!

In addition to this he has spent the morning (and most!) messaging me about how bored he is at work and having to do tasks he doesn't enjoy. I work with children under 4 and the amount of energy and effort that I have to put into my work when i'm in constant pain is almost unbearable. Once again I feel awful for not taking in his feelings more but I just feel so angry that he can complain about these things that I would love to have as my only problems!

Does anyone have advice on how to deal with this situation? I have spoken to him about how much i'm struggling at the moment and he gets it, but I dont want to mention these issues specifically as I dont want him to feel guilty, or like he can't be sick or complain around me because his problems aren't as severe as mine. I'm very aware that everything's relative! I love him to pieces and he puts so much energy into taking care of me that I feel unbelievably guilty just writing this. I'm just terrified it could become and repeat problem for me and I dont want to let my AS affect my relationship more than it already has.

Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance for any suggestions!!

Re: Sick partner when you have AS [Re: LaurenS] #280070
03/16/18 04:38 AM
03/16/18 04:38 AM
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 2,037
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SouthernMoss Online
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SouthernMoss  Online
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 2,037
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I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with your AS.

People who don't have chronic pain don't get it. They never will. It's not their fault, they just don't have any frame of reference. They will never understand how it feels to ALWAYS hurt, and not be able to look forward to a time when the pain will be gone. So try not to judge your fiance for his lack of empathy. It sounds like he's trying, and that's really all you can hope for. It's not fair, but there's nothing fair about AS.

Is there a support group in your area for people who deal with chronic pain? It doesn't have to be an AS-specific group. It's always helpful to talk with people who have walked in your shoes and can truly empathize. There are some Facebook groups for AS suffers too. The one Cookie Hopper started is called Standing Strong Against Ankylosing Spondylitis. There's also one called Ankylosing Spondylitis for Women. There are others as well, these are just two that I have visited and know are well-run and well-moderated.


Ginny - 57 year old female
Dx with USpA in March 2013; changed to AS in July 2015
Iritis and Scleritis
unicompartmental knee replacements: right-June 2014, left-Aug 2018
MTX, Humira, Cyclobenzaprine, plus Celebrex as needed
Supplements: Folic Acid, Vitamin A, Vitamin D, Calcium, Fish Oil, Culturelle probiotic, Melatonin (as needed)
Re: Sick partner when you have AS [Re: LaurenS] #280161
04/03/18 02:57 PM
04/03/18 02:57 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 57
NY, USA
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kjb Offline
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kjb  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 57
NY, USA
LaurenS

I completely understand how you are feeling! I often struggle with the same feelings, not necessarily about my husband, but I have a friend who always says one thing or another hurts her. How hard it is for her, yet she does not have anything wrong, and her symptoms often coincide with mine. Drives me nuts!!! I often imagine that I tell her how angry it makes me, then realize that would not be a good idea, it would only make both of us feel bad.

I just wanted to say, the support group is a good idea, for both of us! Maybe someone can tell us how to deal with these feelings. I also wanted you to know you are not alone in those feelings. Its hard when someone doesn't truly understand what we go through on a daily basis, yet compare themselves to our situations.

Thanks for sharing,
KJB


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