Spondylitis Association of America Forums General Discussion Young Adults - The 20-Something Club Dealing with relationships

Hi guys!
I was wondering if any of you "view" relationships (romantic ones) differently because of your disease. At first, I didn't think it was necessarily because of my disease, I've always been a fairly "mature" person (my grandmother always said I was 30 at 7). Lately, I've been wondering if my disease and the severity of it effects my relationships with others. I tend to get out of the "honeymoon" stages very quickly and transition to "real life" mode. I know that the "honeymoon" stage doesn't last forever, but mine never lasted very long. I know people who are madly in love and gushy when they get married and I don't know if I'll ever be like that.

Things changed a little once I was diagnosed and realized that I would have to look at life from a new perspective. I was very straightforward with all of my romantic interests and everyone else in fact. I became a very "no BS" kind of person because I felt the time and energy that I did have shouldn't be wasted on people who weren't genuine.

I guess I'm just sort of at a loss as to how I should be feeling in a relationship, or if it's normal. I don't know how "normal" people should feel versus those who have a disease. Maybe it's not supposed to be different at all. I feel like this is all already complicated enough without throwing something like AS into the mix. :p

Anyway, if you don't mind sharing your insight, thoughts, and experiences, I would really appreciate it.

Rachel

Rachel, I'm not sure what I can say to help you, buy maybe I can offer some insight. I was already with my boyfriend for some time when I was dx'd. We've been together three years and I was dx'd almost a year ago. I am very lucky to have him. He is supportive and understanding. He is always willing to help me, in fact he gives me my Enbrel injections every week. He's always willing to accommodate my pains when we are out, and whenever I need his help. It certainly helps that we were together for two years and in love before I was dx'd, but obviously my problems started before that.

I guess my only advice is to try to find that one that will support you no matter what. Not necessarily pity you, or treat you like you're fragile. You don't need someone to baby you, just support you when you need it. I don't know if it's necessary to be so up front with it, though. Give it some time and see if it is something you see going further and someone you're truly interested in, and then let them know. It's not like you're hiding something that could hurt the person, just making sure they're even worth telling.

Good luck, and keep us updated on it!

I think several of your descriptions of yourself fit me as well. 30 at 7? Yup. Transitioning quickly to "real life mode" with romantic interests? Yup. But that's how I've always been, disease aside. None of my relationships prior to my husband lasted longer than 2 months. I was only ever head over heels with anyone else for about 3 weeks. I flat out told my husband early on that he shouldn't get his hopes up because my relationships do not ever last. I was wrong for once.

For me, the right person had to find me. In my case, that meant it being someone 8 years older. I love him unconditionally, but I do not think my husband and I would've even liked each other, let alone fallen in love, if we had been the same age at the same time. The 18-year-old version of my husband had a lot of growing up to do before 18-year-old me wouldn't have found him obnoxiously immature. 26-year-old him suited me just dandy. I think that's a symptom of the whole "30 at 7" thing. In your case, 22-year-old men, with very few exceptions, just aren't on the 30-year-old page. My husband will be 30 this year actually.

Now, I wasn't showing many symptoms of either of my most life-interruptive diseases when we met. I'm thankful for that. I was fortunate to already have a committed relationship and the support that comes with that when the sh*t hit the fan. It still puts a strain on us to be sure, but our relationship is more than strong enough to roll with the punches.

I won't throw out too much advice on how you should handle dating. I didn't have to date with this monster hanging off me, so I'm not qualified. I say just trust your gut. Date, but don't drag things on if you quickly lose interest. Not worth the effort. The right one will hold your interest despite you expecting them not to.

I started showing symptoms almost immediately after I started dating with my current girl friend. At first I obviously had no clue what it was, I thought it was urological due to my previous kidney issues, but then the pain kept getting worse and worse, I hid it from her for about a month. I've always been good at hiding my pain; but one day she figured out I wasn't feeling well, and then it just began to spiral downward.

She was their for me, as much as I would let her, but with the pride that I had when I was 19, and still have today I did whatever I could to hide my pain. I acted as if it didn't exist as much as I could.

Then when I got diagnosed, and realized how serious it was, how detrimental it would be to my life as a whole; I sat her down and asked her strait up if she wanted to be with me and wanted to deal with this. Because honestly I wouldn't have been surprised if she wanted to leave me, I almost expected her to. But she stuck with me, and I love her for it.

Now we've been dating for 1 year 4 months, and we have a clear understanding of what I can and can't do. If she wants to go to a party, the bar, out with friends; I let her, I trust her; I only ask that she doesn't expect me to go with. For two 20 year olds, were the most mature couple out of anyone I know.

At the end of the day I still feel bad for always being a downer, and always feeling like crap and being in a not so good mood. So whenever I get the chance I do something sweet for her. Like for instance, I figured out when we were dating for 500 days, and on that day I made her rice crispy treats, and shaped them to say "500". Just something to keep the romance alive

So anyways, I would say you need someone to be mature, someone that isn't going to make you feel bad for having AS, and someone that is going to understand the disease and help you.

If you have any more questions for me specifically feel free to ask.

Thanks for that Ken

I have been dating my current boyfriend for just over a year. I have been fighting this disease for well over two years by the time we got around to dating. He's really seen it all. I was a wreck when I met him, I wasn't on many painkillers at the time, so that was really my lowest point. Then he also saw when the Enbrel started to work. It was almost like I had renewed purpose in life. I could go out, I could go to the gym, I could be a normal 21 year old. Unfortunately that brief period of relief only lasted for about a month and then I spiraled into another flair. At that point was probably when I was most depressed. I had felt something so wonderful and so strange, I had felt like a "normal" person. I really don't know how he stuck it through that, I was absolutely miserable.

Now we're working on trying to get me to feel that way again. We're going to start Humira in a few weeks. Whenever I have to take the shots (I HATE shots) he's always there to hold my hand and that really means a lot to me. We've had very serious conversations similar to that of the one you had with your girlfriend. I have told him many times that there is no cure, that I may not be able to have children, that I could get much worse than I already am. He doesn't seem phased by that, which honestly surprises me. I don't know if I could sit by and silently watch my spouse suffer. I think it takes a very strong person to do what our spouses do. He tries to cheer me up as much as he can and is always very attentive when I'm having one of those bad days.

When I first started this thread I was depressed, I still kind of am. I currently don't have a job (I'm trying to get one), I got denied for disability, I'm in the midst of a pretty active flair, and I was having relationship problems. While none of the others have really gotten any better, we've worked through our relationship problems.

I was dumped after a relationship of 10 years in large part because of the AS. I just wasn't up to doing a lot of the things we used to do together, and he was one of those people who would think I was exaggerating the pain just to get out of things. He used to say I was 40 going on 90, which was in fact how I felt, but he would blame me for it and tell me the problem was just my attitude. A big problem was of course that I was undiagnosed and untreated, and I had no idea what was wrong with me.

seekonk,

I would like to find that guy and thump him on the head with my cane! His loss! Sorry, momma grizzly coming out again!

Blessings,
Nisey

Seekonk,

I'm so sorry that you had such a harsh person in your life. Often people aren't very understanding with our disease because they can't see what's wrong with us. I wish that you could have been able to explain to him what was wrong with you, but not knowing is definitely a killer. I wish you the best in everything.

And Nisey, you can definitely be the momma grizzly for the group

Seekonk,

So sorry to hear that. I can't imagine being with someone that didn't understand what it was like to go thru this, or at least support me if they couldn't understand. I hope that you find someone who you can be with that won't make you feel bad for having AS.