Spondylitis Association of America Forums General Discussion Young Adults - The 20-Something Club struggling to fight alone

Sorry for trying to help. I guess I'm not clear on what you are looking for here.

Jen,
i am sorry that i snapped at you. i guess i don't know what i am looking for either. i shouldn't have snapped at you like that, and i am sorry.

Brenda and onlywhenilaugh,
thank you for your replies. i appreciate your kind words and suggestions.

When i went back to doctors and got dxed with AS, my hips and SI joints were already completely fused. i guess i decided not to treat the AS because i felt like most of the damage was already done. i felt like i had lived through the worst of it without treatment and it seemed to be calming down, so i chose not to pump my body full of toxins and have to possibly deal with the side effects that went with that. I guess from my point of view, the risks weren't/aren't worth the benefits in my situation.

As for the depression... well, thats just a mess. I was in counseling for 4 years, but somehow i felt like i wasn't "allowed" to have a major problem. so, i only dealt with the crap on the surface. I was ready to commit suicide and after i told my mom (and the reaction i got) i shut down, told myself that the problem was stupid and i was just being overly dramatic or something. never dealt with it.
if i seek help, that means i am admitting i do actually have a problem that needs dealt with, which if i was the only person it affected that would be fine with me, but i'm not.
stupid mess. sometimes i just want to quit. i need to deal with it. i know what i need to do, i just don't do it. it's like knowing you need to put gas in your car, but you just don't do it. you know you are going to run out of gas and the car will die, but you ignore it anyhow.

It's OK, Becca. I see you are stressed and distressed and that you know what you need to do to take care of yourself the way you deserve. I hope you will be able to find whatever it is you need to find in yourself to give you the strength to take the first steps towards a better future for yourself. Do weigh the potential risks with the potential benefits; avoiding help/treatment by only considering potential risks only hurts you, as I think you realize now.

To extend the car analogy, I don't know if you have ever actually run out of gas, but I have - on the highway. Believe me, it made me feel foolish and exposed, wasted a lot of time (mine and others'), and was a lot scarier & more dangerous than if I had simply torn myself away from my distractions and taken the few minutes to stop at one of the gas stations I drove right past that day

As someone who has clinical depression, I wanted to just chime in and offer support. I understand not wanting to be on medications, I really do. At one point I was on twelve different medications a day a felt absolutely terrible. Now I take much less and feel far better. Before I got help for my depression, I went through a very dark period, it was before I was diagnosed but I knew something was wrong (but nobody believed me yet), we had just moved towns and I was suddenly an outcast and I was just in this deep, deep chasm that I could not escape.

I ended up talking to my PCP who referred me to a therapist and started me on an antidepressant. Between both, I slowly started to improve, don't get me wrong, it's NOT a magic pill and cure all. Sure, I started to feel better, but I had problems to work through and I started cognitive behavioral therapy, which helps change your self defeating attitudes.

I'm sorry that you're going through this and I'm sure that you feel alone, but I promise you that you're not. There are people who know how you feel and understand what it's like... Please remember this.

i think talk therapy can help give you some coping mechanisms. i would strongly recommend getting on a treatment plan with medications for your AS as well as pt.
the hardest part about all ofthis for me is how itseems to affect my sense of self. My identity and what i can do and enjoy. I'm hoping to regain some if what i have lost through these. past years.
You deserve to be happy and furfilled and whilemy life may never be exactly what u wanted itto be or look like....I take pride inthe fact I'm fighting for myself with this treatment plan.
i hope you fight for yourself instead of accepting this is happening to you....i did that for years its no way to live.