Spondylitis Association of America Forums General Discussion Men Only Message Board Thank you

I am posting this in the “man only” area because I feel and have felt like less of a man. I am sure that more than one of you understands exactly how alone I have felt until I found this site. When diagnosed the picture given to me was pretty grim and I have to admit my brain kind of shut down with the words “fused spine.”

I had given up. I have lost family, jobs, and even my own business because of a combination of self pity, and ignorance.

Although diagnosed only 9 years ago I know my symptoms to have begun and have been mis-diagnosed nearly 15 years ago while in the military. Due to whatever reason my military records seem to have been lost in the great void known as St Louis, as well as my home of record. I have tried for many years to fix this problem but as I am sure you can imagine it has not been easy.

To be totally honest I had lost everything that I lived for. One by one every reason I had for waking up, when I can sleep was not there in the morning. I have had to do ‘contract work” since my ETS, and as such have never been able to afford insurance, and could only barely support my family after leaving the military. Coming from working class West Virginia I expected pain to be part of a fathers life. I always told myself that there would be time, after my daughter was taken care of.

She and her mother are gone now. Another man is taking care of them. I would be lying if I said that I did not hate my wife for leaving, but that hate does not make me feel better and I try to be a better man. She left after I was diagnosed, and has admitted since that my diagnoses was the straw that broke the camels back. We had other problems, but this did not help.

I currently have no insurance, no money, no job, no car, or no doctor, but now at least I have hope.

I am in what I think is a good relationship. She knows about the condition and its supposed limitations, but has assured me that I can do better. I know I should have the strength to do it myself, but knowing that I can share her strength has made my life bearable. I do not tell her how she motivates me. I am scared that she would stay with me only out of pity if I were to do that. That pity would negate the trust. She pushes me to be better where others had given up on me. I had given up on myself.

I am now a “recovering” alcoholic. Alcohol being the only pain reliever I can afford. As I am sure you know anything that involves a complete night of sleep seems like a good idea regardless of whatever effects it might have. Waking up with a hangover is still better than just normally waking up. I have not stopped drinking altogether but I have started being honest with myself for the reasons why I do it.

Now I find you. I know she sees my pain, but we all know that there is no true way to explain it in a way she can understand.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for understanding.

I can not tell you how much your story reminds me of my own. I'm glad you found us too.

1. about your records, post up on the military board of this site or visit the ftspondy site in my signature. FtSpondy was started by myself, Ken, and Mike. We all are veterans and we are all spondy's. We'll see what help we can provide with records and disability benefits. Mike is really on the ball with this stuff. I just handle the website stuff.

2. I'm an old army drunk myself. I know that raod well.

3. I'm glad you found a good woman. Having the support of my wife is an absolute blessing.

4. email me any time at mont974x4@gmail or contact me through this site or one of the sites in my signature. I'm here to help anyway I can.

State and County doctors will see you if you're that far down. You definatly don't have to feel guilty about that, especially considering you were in the army and have been suffering chronic pain.

I'd say try to get off the sauce if you can because it will rip apart your kidneys if you're also on store bought Ibueprofrin, or that's what i learned after about six years of pain.
Also cutting down on startch...Pasta, potatoes and beer will physically feel better after a while. Wine is better than beer, i did drink with one past girlfriend, just a little.


My whole life fell apart a few years ago, after 13 years of AS. Sounds like you've got a good lover atleast. I'm lucky that i didn't have a family because they would have left me.

good luck...Erik

I applaud you for having the will to write this. It is this kind of sharing that brings us all closer together and gives us the strength to continue fighting. Welcome to our family.

Feel free to contact me at fleck_john@hotmail.com. I am a native WV boy too.