Spondylitis Association of America Forums General Discussion Men Only Message Board Need advice on dating

O.K. guys. I really need some serious advice.

I am 34. A.S. since 10. NEVER what you might call "popular" w/ the ladies.

Recently I was bored so I signed up for an on-line dating service. Now I didn't say to much. Just silly stuff really 'cause you have to make a profile in order to view other profiles.

Well, I recieved an e-mail saying someone wanted to talk but u have to subscribe in order to contact them so out of curiosity I signed up for a month. (heck, only 30 bucks).

This girl is a cutie and she used to live around here so we've e-mailed each other a few times. Just small talk, nothing personal yet.

I just don't know. Maybe I should toss in the towel before things get personal and she starts asking about my job and geeez I don't know, what I look like...hehe. I didn't add a pic yet.

I am on SSDI. I do work. I drive a school bus. NOT very glamorous.

I feel like I do have confidence in myself. Just that I have ZERO confidence that women these days will accept a guy like me. You know, with A.S. and all it's associated problems.

I think that the worst I have going for me is my back. I don't know how severe my spine leans forward but it is noticeable. Plus I'm rather short. Even more so due to the A.S.

I know I have a lot of good things going for me. And I have a lot to offer. BUT does that matter? Can a woman,.....shall we say, TODAYS woman, look past the "bad" stuff? I have my doubts.

I just don't know anymore. I hope I don't sound like a wimp, but yes, I am lonely. I'm 34 and life's too short to go through it alone.

-Storm

ps...I do have an MSN Space. Not sure if you all know what that is. But I thought maybe if she seems interested I would give her the link. I talk about my A.S. there and maybe she could learn more there than if I just came out and told her.

pss...oh yeah...for you guys that are married, I'm curious if you got married before or after your A.S. symptoms started.

Storm,I don,t know if I can be a lot of help, but I will try.I was divorced in 94,dated until about 4 years ago.I could have remarried several times.I quit dating because of frustration with the women that I dated not being what I percieved as being fully honest.I decided that I needed a break but if the right one came along it would be a different story.
After my PSA and spondylitis flaring and being faced with a chronic illness,I quit looking and shifted my priorities to getting better healthwise.
If I was your age I would probably meet her with
the idea of having a good time.If she likes you and you like her ,you can go from there.
I have seen men with serious health problems with a devoted wife .So I say,just be honest, focus on your inner self.If things click,you can go from there.
I wish you happy days.
Mike

Hey,
I think that in comparison to other differences, such as, what you like to eat, taste in clothes, color of paint, or what movies to see, that AS might not be such a big issue. Besides, it shouldn't be, they would be dating you, not the disease, and no one is perfect. I have been married for 25 years, and the majority of that time I have had AS. I'm still the major bread winner in my family, not that it matters. Just because we suffer with a disease that no one else can understand, doesn't mean that we shouldn't have the quality of life others enjoy.

In other words, I would go for it. Just remember that even healthy people can have bad relationships. Besides, it doesn't matter so much about what you look like or your tastes, they are going to try to mold you into something else anyway.

Sparky

OOOPS---

Can I butt in and give a woman's point of view?

I can't speak for all women, and there are alot of shallow girls out there, but for me, personality always comes before looks. Now grooming habits are important, but not over the top....just shower and shave and brush your teeth basically.

I would go for it. But when talking with her, don't constantly put yourself down or fish for compliments. That's a turn off for any gender.

BTW, when Jerry and I were first together, he had constant back pain that progressed. I had to massage him every night after work. I married him anyway . The other night he thanked for all the years I have been rubbing his back (now feet, calves, thighs and other various parts I won't mention 15 years and still going strong.

Take care,
Sarah

Let me clarify the first paragraph....

There are gorgeous guys that after you get to know just ain't that cute anymore. Then there are guys that you might not look twice at, at first, but after getting to know them, they become the "nighttime fantasy", if you know what I mean.

What's inside you makes you or breaks you. And if the romantic attraction just doesn't happen, you still made a friend, so you got nothing to lose. If it doesn't work out romantically, don't take it personally. We can't help who we are attracted to.....I think Angelina Jolie is gorgeous, Jerry thinks she looks like a used up transvestite (those are his words). He thinks Jessica Simpson is hot, I can't get past her dudley do-right clefted chin. We do both agree on Christina Aguilera-hot.

Sarah

That's basically me. I need time to show the real me and time for her to see that. I've only had a few women in my life where I know they liked me. It's what I call "forced socialism", you know, at work. When you work w/ someone you see them everyday, have breaks and lunch w/ them and they get to know you.

Anyways, thanks for the advise, guys. And Sarah.
I have been e-mailing this one girl since my first post here but I'm not sure where it's going. Getting any info out of her other than what's in her profile is like pulling teeth. Plus she's 26 and still lives at home...uuhhggg.
I think I'm too old to be picking up a girl at her parent's house. :rolleyes:

-Storm

ps..I mean, if anything it would be nice to hook up for a...

uuhg...bad speller...that's advise with a "c".

advice..yea, that's right.

Hey, with the cost of living now days, there's probably not too many single gals out there not living with the parents. It's hard enough for us established old farts to keep the balance sheet in the black.

Good luck,
Sparks

I give up. Women today suck.

Hey Storm..don't give up..just make your self "available" and the right thing will happen...or so I keep telling myself. You ought to try getting back into the "dating pool" when you are close to 60...a very different experience.

But hang in there..and it will happen for you. Think of it this way, anyone that won't take the time to get to know you and discover your good qualities is probably not right for you anyway.
mike

Storm, also my experience with online dating services is that they tend towards "two dimensional" superficiality. Also, when I talk to my friends about where they have met their SOs, it is all over the map..grocery store, night school, coffee shop, etc and they also tell me that it basically happened when not expected.

Looking back on my earlier life, I have had 3 mariages and probably 15-20 "relationships" in the past 40 years and that was always the case.

Met my first wife at a dance in college, my second while doing volunteer counciling at a facility for teens and my last geve me a ride home from a Judo/Karate class that I was teaching...and never left. All of the others were just as random and mostly when I wasn't looking.

Don't give up..just don't "obsess"
mike

It's all good advice and all. But I hope nobody takes offense by me saying that women truly are different today.
And Mike, thanks for the replies, but yea I do believe that it's hard as well being almost 60 (wow, :p hehe) but I am becoming bitter about women...sad but I think true. They are so damn picky or should I say superficial. I truly believe that todays women hasn't a clue. They read magazines, watch tv programs and worse, listen to OPRAH. ALL telling them NOT to settle for anything but the best (or perfect).

It's hard enough for a regular guy to live up to their standards, let alone someone that STARTS out far below to begin with.

I can feel my heart breaking at times. It knows that there will be nobody for me. I am 90% ready to give up on women all together. Maybe that's best. It makes me depressed just thinking about it. I believe it's God's will. I am to be alone.

I wish there was another forum here so people can talk about relationships or advice. That would be nice. And I know I have a bad attitude towards women. But they way I am treated (or ignored as a possible friend or mate) it's only a matter of time that this would happen.

The only responses I got from my profile were from 2 women that just wanted to say they lived in my town. 1 from florida! The other stopped e-mailing me for unknowm reasons. AND I keep getting russian women...haha. Guess they think I'm rich.

Maybe I should bullsh*t my profile. Say I'm 6' and lie about my income. That would work.

I'm rambling..and Im done.

-Storm

Hey Storm,

maybe you should post on the general message board where more women are apt to read what you have to say. Who knows, maybe you might start something that could be a help to others.

OK, butting in here on the all male board.....

Storm, I understand your frustration. I feel the same way about today's men. IMHO the ones I meet all want someone tall, thin, blond, athletic, moneyed and without children....and dare I say younger than them. (I'll soon be 54).

Just as I am about to tell you that not all women are vain and shallow, I'm sure someone will tell me not all men are like the ones I've described.

All I can say is make yourself available as much as possible and who knows, lightning may strike.

Best of luck
Crystal

I would have to agree with you, Crystal. remember, Storm, you are going for quality not quanity...and I think that is worth waiting for.

On another subject, Storm, I like your idea of a "singles issues" thread somewhere.
mike

Okay, so I'm going right back to your first post...

When I first met my wife (six years ago) I told her straight away about my AS, although my hand was forced somewhat because I'd just undergone hip replacement surgery and couldn't walk very well (a shambles that was quite possibly exacerbated by alcohol ). Anyway, I figured either she wouldn't care and we could get past it, or she would care and I'd save us both from wasting our time getting to know each other.

Shortly after this, I think I might have actually given her some information sheets regarding AS too (subliminally trying to sabotage things as quickly as possible if it was ever going to happen, but it never did).

AS itself has never really been an issue beyond us needing to find ways of working together to minimise its daily annoyance (as far as I know, at least).