Spondylitis Association of America Forums General Discussion Off-Topic Forum Birthday gift

Dear Diary,
For my 43rd birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra & aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other poop too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that spam Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#& ;**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife, the poor misguided soul, will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Thanks, I couldn't stop laughing. That counts as my ab routine for today!
Day~

Oh, Jay.... you do have your problems, don't you??? I won't even mention the fact that the lousy end to your week was God's punishment for lusting after the voluptuous gym-goddess. (I've been married for almost sixteen years, so I know that routine!)

Great story!

Michelle

lol My Dad e-mailed it to me. I have no idea where he got it. lol

I needed that laugh! This was sooo funny

yOU POST SOME OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS...

cHRISTIE

lol I try

Gee, that was hilarious, I was on the floor laughing my head off. The problem was getting back up again!
Waiting for a new one (please)

OK
I cant help myself. Here is another one back.

The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a
ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said,

"Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer says,"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 on the bar and said,

"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the
building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer,
saying,

"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew
he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money

too too funny....

that's like the pregnant blonde who goes to her OB seeking an abortion. The doctor asks why she wants to have an abortion and she leans over and whispers 'to be honest, I don't really think it's mine'

You know Christie, we are both blonde. I don't know about you, but I am natural. People think the gray in my hair are highlights!! I'm serious. And blondes are supposed to be dumb??

Sarah

Here's one I heard on from a comedian on the comedy channel, and it applies to me cuz I ended up the only natural blonde in my family.....

There's a guy talking to his friend, who comments that he neither looks like any of his siblings, nor his father for that matter. "Must have been the milkman" he says with a wink.

The guy replies, insulted, "So not only are you saying my mother is a tramp, but she whore's around with men who have jobs that don't even exist anymore?"

I don't know, I thought it was funny, because people still say crap like that.

Sarah