I’m now on medical leave for mild depression and high anxiety. I’ve freaked out way too much about AS, reading websites and stories about progression and projecting myself into a worst case scenario.
As far as pain, I guess most people here would call my bad days good days, but when you’ve been having 1/10 pain for 6 years, a 4/10 or 5/10 pain is panicking. It’s like an old enemy creeping back. Not sure how to deal with the uncertainty anymore.
I’ll have my lab results next Thursday. My CRP was very high when I had uncontrolled inflammation so it’s a pretty accurate indication of my disease activity. Fingers crossed...
Yesterday I played in the park with the kids, climbed all around and ran, and today I’m paying the price in pain. I hate this disease and I hate my stupid body.
I have over-researched things til I put myself in a panic too. I do think it's part of the process of acceptance, so don't be hard on yourself. But in the end I came to terms with it (more or less) by realizing that none of us knows what our futures hold. We just have a disease that causes us to focus on a specific set of possible outcomes, but I have seen enough people's lives turned upside down by sunny-day tragedies and conversely people who were given a death sentence who had a scientifically ground-breaking cure show up just in time to spare them.
Live for today, it's all we know. The older we get the more people share our fate of daily physical pain as chronic and acute problems both add up with the years. I know it's not optimistic, and it's not meant to be. But I figure if all these other people can cope, why can't I? Surely they are not better than me at it.
Some people turn to faith or hopes of cures, but this sort of "Life is like this, yet we all find everyday joys amidst the sorrows" approach is what works best for me.