I’ve had a terrible day yesterday when I actually felt desperate enough to check out which knife was better to cut my wrists.

It’s not normal with my current level of pain of about 6/10 to have those thoughts. Especially 6 years after being diagnosed. For some reason I view myself as a sick person, almost a cripple, when in fact I’m 100% functional. It’s like the worst case of AS is a certainty for me. It’s like I convinced myself that no other medication would work as good and as long as Enbrel, despite reading testimonies of people who switched meds and achieved success.

I can’t contemplate the future without seeing myself as a super bad AS case. Hunched, fused... When in fact after 10 years I only have mild restrictions on one side of my neck. I have no reason to believe that no other drug will work. Enbrel was a miracle for YEARS. My response to this first anti-TNF was optimal.

It’s a battle against anxiety, a battle against depression. I have to find some faith in treatments. Some faith in the future.

I asked for an appointment with my rheumy as soon as possible and will ask for a switch to Humira. I won’t wait until I’m in crippling pain to take action.